Moving Day

I won't make this a dramatic and lengthy post (against my better judgment) but am writing to let you know that this will be the last posting on this site.

Wait, don't cry...DON'T LEAVE YET!...come back and finish reading.

I'm going to continue blogging but from now on I'll be doing it here. Not to bore you with details but from a writer's perspective - this new blog host makes it easier to bring you the witty and acerbic insights you've grown to love.

To ensure your transition is a quick and painless one, simple bookmark the page or add the RSS feed to your reader (pretty sure I lost a bunch of you there). Plus all the old postings are there in case you want to enjoy the fun all over again - or poke holes in some of the factually incorrect arguments I made.

Picky Bugger's new home - http://pickybugger.wordpress.com/

Anyway...keep reading...or not, you know, whatever you want.

Last one out turn the lights off please.

PB.

Resolute for the New Year

I saw this video this morning and realized that I have no skill worth YouTubing.

Seriously – there are literally millions of videos on YouTube that range from guys getting hit in the groin to people doing the most amazing things and I’m certainly not among them. Granted I imagine that most people aren’t but it got me wondering. Should I make it my New Year’s resolution to achieve something YouTube-able?

Step 1 – Identify Your Strengths.

I can kick pretty high. Well, I can kick pretty high for someone of my height and limited coordination. And to be honest I can probably only kick the one time before something gets strained or pulled. Plus I’m sure there are people who could kick higher and look better doing it….so scratch that. Let’s start again.

Step 1.2 – Identify Your Strengths Identify Something You’re Good At

I can play the guitar. But in reality I’m self taught and can’t read music. Sure it’s a good starting point, but there are people who are clearly much better and I’d just end up embarrassing myself. Strike two.

Step 1.3 – Identify Your Strengths Identify Something You’re Good At Identify something you can do.

Ok, so instead of such a narrow focus, I’ve opened it up to a broader scope. By first identifying things I’m physically capable of accomplishing, I’m much less likely to walk away disappointed. As my old football coach used to tell me, “Set the bar really low, and you’ll jump over it every time.” Indeed, words to live by.

Step 2 – Practice

You’ll be told that to be the best at something you need to practice all day, everyday. I say if you’re going to be the best at something you’re probably born to it. So practice for a few days and see how things go. If you’re a prodigy and meant for it, you’ll see results almost instantly. If you have to work extremely hard, perhaps it wasn’t in the cards – so move on.

Step 3 – Video Time!

By now I’ll have figured out which attribute I posses that sets me apart from other mere mortals. I’ve practiced as much as I need and am ready to record.

I think by following these simple steps I will be on my way to internet fame in no time. Plus I’ll have a timeless record to show my children and ensure my name lives on in infamy.

I feel better already.

Our Fathers...

This week saw the passing of my very close friend’s father. A kind and principled man, he was a brilliant thinker and never shy to offer his help. There’s never a good time to lose someone close to you, but I feel especially bad to see such a close-knit family go through this now.

It reminds me that some of us are extremely lucky to have the fathers we do. We’re lucky to have dads to pass on their wisdom, knowledge and humour. Dads who sit through snow and rain to watch us play sports, dads who teach us right from wrong and sometimes dads who raise us single handedly.

They’ll carry you around on their shoulders for hours, no matter how sore they get because dads are demigods – all-powerful in the eyes of a child.

They’ll tell you not to smoke or not to drive to fast (all in the name of safety), but will let you sip their beer. Plus there’s the age old question – could my dad really beat up your dad?

Dads are good guys who build tree forts and fix cars and maybe sometimes don’t get the recognition that moms do. Don’t get me wrong, moms are great, but I’m starting to fell like these guys need their own day.

Either way, I’m passing on my condolences to a family whose father was all these things and more.

Et Tu Hubris?

In the classic school-yard bully scenario, the big tough-guy, singles out the weaker kids and picks on them one by one. Sometimes - not always, but sometimes the kids catch on and realize that while individually weak, as a group they're stronger. As a group they're powerful, and the bully doesn't stand a chance. Unfortunately, this doesn't happen often.

So imagine my glee, when I looked at the front page of the newspaper today, and saw a photo of Stephen Harper nearly in tears.

He's spent the last two years pushing the opposition parties - daring them to call his bluff and topple the government in a confidence vote. And almost every time they blinked. Until now.

This time, the Liberals and NDP just needed to say the word coalition loud enough and suddenly Harper and his minions retreat - grumbling like a defeated cartoon villain.

There's something so satisfying about the bully getting slapped back.

Calling your bluffs

I have to first admit that I haven't been following this story closely, but if I had to fall on one side of the debate I'd be for the wind farms off the Scarborough Bluffs.

I've seen the wind farm north of Shelburne on highway 10 and I think it looks fantastic. Even residents who were opposed to the turbines have come around.

But as I don't live in Scarborough (thank God for that) I suppose it's not really up to me. Although when I read statements like this I wish it was:

"I am worried that the bluffs are not rock and stone, and are very much vulnerable. I wonder what the vibrations would do to the bluffs."

Yup...some lady is worried that 60 or so turbines being erected between Ajax and the Leslie Spit will in fact bring the Scarborough Bluffs crashing into Lake Ontario. They've some how survived eons of weather and planetary shifting - but the vibrations of the (near silent) wind turbines will finally do what nature could not - topple the Scarborough Bluffs.

I hope this woman saw her quote in the paper today and suddenly realized how outrageously stupid she sounded and that she'll think twice about opening her mouth in the company of others. In fact - lady, do us all a favour and maybe just stay in doors for a little while.


Photo by Light Collector - Flickr photostream - http://www.flickr.com/photos/whitebeard/

Hard-core Lactivist

I had grown fearful lately that I had nothing to write about in this space. Had I grown so content with my life that I didn’t need this outlet to vent and rant and rave? Was I….happy?

Then - whilst contemplating my more human side, I read this story and it all came back to me. Welcome home.

This woman is claiming her right to breast feed in public was infringed on, and now she’s going after the pool’s owner. Well of course she is.

First – she was politely asked not to feed the baby in the pool. Good Christ, I won’t swim in a public pool let alone drink out of one. And this is a pool for babies – babies who pee themselves on dry land…what do you think they do in a warm pool?

Second – she was offered a number of alternative places for breast feeding, all of which weren’t in the pool. She wasn’t kicked out – just asked not to do it in the water. I’m not allowed to eat a hoagie in the pool, why is this kid? I don’t care how nice the water is, don’t be lazy, walk 10 steps to a chair and feed your kid.

Third – Gross. A public pool? Seriously? What’s next, are you going to let your baby teeth on a subway door handle?

Now I’m amongst those who believe breast feeding in public is fine (great even). Ladies if you choose to feed your baby in public – fair game and more power to you. But shouldn’t the respect you’re afforded go both ways? If someone asks you politely not to breast feed your 20 MONTH OLD baby – that’s actually a 2 year child – in a public swimming pool, then perhaps you should abide.

Plus, your kid is nearly 2 years old and if you keep breast feeding it there are bound to be psychological repercussions down the road. I’m no therapist, but that seems like trouble.

I’m calling for people to put a little perspective around things, because this is really not a big deal. Not everything is a cause to be rallied against. Maybe you just had a difference of opinion and you should move on with your life.

nuff said

Cabinet was bare

There’s something to be said about the American’s Republic style of politics, especially in light of Stephen Harper announcing his cabinet today.

In our parliamentary system, he’s forced to choose a cabinet from the elected officials in his party – as chosen by us – the Canadian people. And in the theory this model holds water. The people we elect are supposed to be the brightest and most qualified for the job…in THEORY.

But when this idea was being hashed out hundreds of years ago, I’m pretty sure they didn’t envision Stockwell Day as the minister of…well of anything, except maybe crayons or safety scissors.


So during an international economic crisis – the worst in 80 years – we’ve appointed the Canadian equivalent of Dan Quayle or Sarah Palin to ensure our country doesn’t slide further into peril. Did I miss something or is being a closet racist and pro-Bush evangelical somehow a prerequisite for sound economic governance?

But wait – there’s more! Tony Clement as the Minister of Industry. And why you might ask? Because after two years as Health Minister, he was bored and wanted a new challenge! Wait - what? Did he already fix the whole wait time thing? Did we get an influx of new doctors so that everyone now has a family practitioner?

After two years on the job, Milhouse from the Simpson’s has decided he wants something a tad more challenging and so is gifted the Industry portfolio, during an economic crisis.

seperated at birth?

The list goes on and on – John Baird the angriest man in parliament, as Transport Minister. Jason Kenney heading up Immigration after claiming Canada should use certain forms of discrimination when screening immigrants. Lisa Raitt as Minister of Natural Resources after a disastrous stint as the head of the Toronto Port Authority, thanks to our good friends in the 905 (like people didn’t already hate Oakville).

But such is the case when you have such a thin crop to choose from. And while this is reason enough to heap scorn on the whole process, there’s also the use of cabinet shuffle as punishment. When one of the above ministers causes some level of controversy or screws up their portfolio (and they will), Harper will fix it all by “shuffling” his cabinet.

It’s nice to know that governing in this country is so arbitrary, that on a moments notice anyone (probably you or I) can pick up where someone else left off with no trouble at all.

Next year either Obama or McCain (but mostly Obama) will sit down to pick his cabinet and isn’t handcuffed by the same restrictions Harper is. When he appoints someone to run the country's finances, he can choose from any of the finest minds in the country.

Meanwhile, we get this enormous douche-bag as Finance Minister – as if he hadn’t already done enough damage.


Who needs a drink?

Man-eating SPIDER!

I have zero interest in ever going to Australia. Sure it's beautiful and warm and I'm told the people are friendly. However I can give you about 10 reasons why I never want to go - all of them are snakes and spiders.

Check out this photograph of a spider eating a bird - a bird the size of a god-damn BABY! There's no reason this hellspawn should be alive other than to torment us in our nightmares! I would like to point out that this was someone's backyard.

It becomes evident to me that whoever chose Australia as a penal colony clearly did their homework.

More on this killing machine here

Can-a-drab

After the rather distinct political leaning this blog has taken in the last few months it would seem only fitting that I ring in now and comment – post election – on Tuesday results. But while I do love politics – probably in the same way little girls love High School Musical – I was left deflated Wednesday morning. Not because the Conservative “win” was some great surprise, but because I felt pretty unaffected by the whole affair.

This probably has a lot to do with the fact that of the four leaders (five if you include Duceppe) there wasn’t anyone to truly “get behind” or believe in. Just pre-fab shells whose mouths seemed to spit out the same tired and regurgitated slogans.

And while I don’t think it’s a valid excuse not to vote, no one can argue that the lowest voter turnout in Canadian history has a lot to do with the fact that none of the running candidates really engaged the voting public.

Harper sequestered himself on the final days of the campaign because he’s like nuclear waste – long term exposure makes people sick. The terrifying part is that he and his campaign knew this - hiding him was part of their strategy.

Dion continued to rattle on about unclear (to us) initiatives that just confused an already apathetic voter base. For so many people, voting Liberal was a routine as getting an oil change. Yet, somehow Dion made even that seem unpalatable, and helped lose his party 19 seats.

Jack Layton would put all his supporters behind him during stump speeches to give the illusion of larger and more raucous crowds on TV. When in reality 50 people stood staring at his hind-parts while 10 stood in front with the cameras.

And so on and so on.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t envious of the US presidential race right now. Envious of some of that pomp and circumstance. Envious of the charismatic leader they’ll soon have (yup – that Sarah Palin is great…lipstick on a pitbull – it’s funny on so many levels).

Truth is when it came down to it, I found this whole Canadian election pretty underwhelming – and that seems kind of sad. Shouldn’t we be excited at the chance to pick our government – shouldn’t they spark something in us and make us want to vote?

Feels like lately, we’ve been forced to choose the least offensive person on the ballot instead of the most qualified.

Thin Lizzy

I recently overhead a colleague waxing about how well she thought Elizabeth May has faired in this election. It's certainly a lovely sentiment, albeit a completely inaccurate one – but you all saw that coming I’m sure.

First, you have this string of nifty little campaign ads with May on the train and talking about issues like the Economy and Nature. There’s even one about Grassroots Democracy in which she claims that all the other parties have lost track of what elections are about and how they’re too focused on packaging instead of message.

While I tend to agree with her, I find it a tad hypocritical for someone to talk about “grassroots” elections and then turn around and say she doesn’t care if her party gets any seats, as long as Stephen Harper doesn’t get any.

Now I’m no friend to Harper – I hope I’ve made that abundantly clear in this spot (I have, haven’t I?), but if you’re big plan is to keep Harper out then why not join another political party to push your message? If your sole aim is to keep the Conservatives from winning – as she fairly implied that it was – then just pack up your campaign and back Jack Layton or Stephane Dion.

Second is her riding of choice, Nova Central, which has brought us the father/son team of Elmer and Peter MacKay. This has been a staunchly Conservative riding going back to 1968, straying only once in 1993 and electing a Liberal. Oh, and did I mention that Nova Central was Brian Mulroney’s riding right before he became Prime Minister?

Eliabeth May could have easily parachuted herself into a riding that would have been more favourable to her message, but she chose Nova Central because it’s where she was raised.

Now for those you think parachuting is an unethical or disingenuous way to get yourself a seat in the House of Commons, I say so what? You can either be a morally sound person on the outside looking in, or you can find favour with those who genuinely support you and make some changes from your seat in the House of Commons.

Besides, this altruistic streak of running against adversity contradicts her previous statement of “Anyone but Harper."

None of this should be seen as knock on the Green party – I think they have some great ideas and our entire parliamentary system is built on the idea of multiple parties. If nothing else it makes for some diverse and pretty lawn signs. But when the NDP are actually making a climb for the first time in years, and when the Liberals are a mere 5% behind the Conservatives, suddenly that 13% of voters that the Green party is hanging on to seems very valuable.

Almost enough to get rid of the Harper-bot once and for all!

A Poem For Canada

I am sad today.

Sad for all Canadians,

Dion has no chance.

This Haiku poem neatly sums up my – and I would assume most competent Canadians’ – views on what will transpire after Thanksgiving this year (the real one…not this November B.S.).

The maddening part is that this election is so wide open that just about anyone could win it. Anyone except Dion…and Jack Layton (although I think his mustache has a chance).

I’m sure Dion is a nice enough bloke and probably interesting company on a nature walk – but I look at him and picture the substitute teacher in high school we made cry (and probably quit teaching).

I’d be willing to bet he’s an avid Dungeons and Dragons player and probably collects model trains – which doesn’t make him a bad guy, but it doesn’t make him easy to like. I’m pretty sure that even my grandmother wants to beat him up and steal his lunch money. The man is a geek – a pure unadulterated power-nerd. He is Charlie Brown incarnate.

Frankly, Stephane can’t be blamed for this, you are what you are and you should embrace that. But in the political race to become Prime Minister, you must either be a man of power and charisma or a crudely fashioned robot, pieced together from Radio Shack parts and Brian Mulroney’s chin.

The true culprits are the mentalists in the Liberal party who legitimately believed he would be a worthy opponent of Harperbot.

Ignatieff must have really messed shit up.

How winnable is this election? Read this article and ask yourself whether Harper would attempt this sort of thing if he respected the person he was running against.

I'm thinking not.

The Truth about Sarah Palin

I found this piece on Rolling Stone's website. Granted they're not exactly known for their bi-partisan views (always openly support the Dems), but this piece was so mind-blowing and jaw-dropping I felt the need to share.

Plus this doesn't even touch on the fact that Sarah Palin thinks dinosaurs roamed the Eatrth only 4,000 years ago and that cavemen rode them like horses. Insane.

Enjoy - Sarah Palin's Lies

Follow Me!

For those of you who make the pilgrimage to read this blog I've added a new feature. On the right side there's a Follow Me app that lets me know who's reading (or at least how many).

I think you can follow anonymously for those of you who are embarrassed to state publicly that you waste minutes in your day trying to decipher my aimless rants.

Electioneering

“I will stop, I will stop at nothing,
Say the right things when electioneering”

- Thom Yorke

It's happening again. As November draws near and the US election becomes a slightly brighter light on the horizon, that – thing – is raising its ugly head again. The shrill cry of elitist could be heard bouncing from the rafters of the RNC only a week ago. Once again they were heard to say - Obama is not one of us, he's not an 'everyman.'

The fact that this hackneyed and broke-down expression serves as the Republican mantra should come as a shock to no one (it’s as redundant as they are). It should also be of no surprise that the newly minted VP candidate has picked up this rallying cry so quickly. This is the art of politicking.

Simple things like truth and fact are of zero consequence – what is needed now are vitriolic diatribes. The kind of attack that doesn’t just put your opponent in his place, but potentially ruins him and his family for as long as anyone cares to remember.

Case in point - the Republicans are accusing Obama of wanting to educate Kindergartners about sex. In reality Obama wants to put forth a bill that aims to start educating Kindergartners about sexual predators - in my mind this is a rather important distinction. However to the McCain camp this is inconsequential.

I would love to say that this is the new politics, but frankly it's the time honoured tradition of ruining your opponent. Nor is it solely a product of the US. In fact this week our own Canadian election campaign hit the ground running with the Conservatives shitting the bed twice in as many days. Once with a pooping puffin and again by accusing the father of a dead soldier of using his dead son to further the Liberal agenda...pinko commie bastard.

Of course Harper-bot (this year's model comes complete with eyebrows and 2 new emotions - anger and smug superiority), was quick to file both incidents under the "Not my fucking fault" category.

But just because this is the style of politics we've grown accustomed to, doesn't necessarily mean we should be forced to tolerate it. I mean every time you turn around it's one shady act after another from all parties. We've become so jaded and skeptical that every political action is deemed to have ulterior motives - maybe because they do.

It seems that there are only two types of politics left in the world: slanderous character assassinations on your opponent, or actual assassinations where your opponent is blown up in their car.

How that changes I have no idea - maybe it comes from us. Maybe we tell the news outlets like Fox and CNN that we want impartial news. Maybe we should demand that the news coverage clarify and vet things that are coming out of the politicians mouths instead of carelessly pushing information out that they know are lies. Maybe they should call the politicians out when they know they're trying to pull one over on us.

Of course maybe that sort of news coverage already exists.

City vs. Suburbs Part 2

In the city, if you see a guy lying in the bushes - leave him alone - he's just sleeping.

In the suburbs, if you see a guy lying in the bushes - call an ambulance - he's probably having a heart-attack. No, seriously - call an ambulance.

I'm your #1 fan

I can’t take it any more. I can no longer sit in silence and be endlessly bombarded by the baseless, factually incorrect drivel coming from these deluded Mac fanboys. This pathetic article has finally put me over the edge.

I’m not here to pick a fight over whether PC is better than Mac. I own one of each and have raves and complaints about both. And the big secret no one’s telling you is that to the generic user, there’s really not much of a difference. The internet looks the same on both screens.

No, my problem stems from the embarrassing ‘turf war’ that Apple users feel the need to constantly start with…well anyone.

I’ve never understood this little dog syndrome. A diehard Mac fan will always feel the need to impress on you why Mac’s are fantastic, and why your PC is a giant fire hazard, waiting to usher you and your family to a painful death. Bill Gates is an evil capitalist monster who is hell bent on world domination, while Apple is a hippie commune powered by hugs and rainbows.

What other product instills this same cult-like status in its users? You might get a similar pissing contest between Xbox and Playstation buyers, but it's not the same. I'm beginning to think there’s an untraced link between Apple Corps. and the Church of Scientology.

You don’t just buy an Apple, you become a pod person who must spread the gospel of Mac by telling everyone how you used to own a PC and your life sucked, but then you got an Apple and everything worked out. You've answered the call and are fighting against the evil Microsoft – you’re suddenly the home computing equivalent of Che-fucking-Guevara.

You don’t see Pepsi drinkers stabbing guys with Coke because of their soft drink choice. And yet I guarantee you’ve been at a party where some Apple fanboy has explained that Macs are the “industry standard” for everything from photography to family lineage and you're just not quite as enlightened.

Again – it’s not the Mac I hate, it’s their fans - which in itself is hilarious. I mean, I don't begrudge someone for supporting a company - but the idea of electronics fandom baffles me. I'm trying to imagine being really excited about one companies alarm clock over another, and I just don't get it.

Maybe my Mac was defective when I bought it. Or maybe I've been too skeptical for the "magic" to take effect. But in the end, they're just computers that are only as interesting or useful as the person sitting in front of them.

They've got a Cheshire Cat grin

It seems like the farther you get in life the fewer of those genuine gleefully happy moments you get. Those swooning, ‘can’t stop smiling’ type moments, little kids get when they find a worm or a shiny rock. And as a cynical adult you think – what the hell’s so good about that rock kid?

Yet on Friday I had one of those moments. On a rain soaked patch of grass near Lake Ontario, I witnessed my own personal moment of musical perfection watching Radiohead create something far deeper than just music.


I won’t bother “reviewing” the show, because frankly there’s not an ounce of me that could be impartial about it. For me Radiohead exist on a separate playing field from mere bands and music.

When someone asks me to list my favourite band or song, it’s likely I won’t list Radiohead in either category because they don’t belong there. Just like the Beatles, you don’t rate them against others – you do not sully or tarnish what they do.

But what I can relay is this. As it rained down on us – all of us - on that soggy hill, and before Radiohead ever took the stage there was one of those great “en mass” moments where everyone in the crowd pointed upwards towards the sky as the breaking sun created the most vibrant and stunning rainbow. And then it created a second, right next to it.

It was evident then that it didn't matter how much rain fell, we were far too blissed-out to let the weather put us off. And like a kid who'd found a shiny rock, I was pretty happy with the music too.

City vs. Suburbs Part 1

In the city, if you drive to a bar on your bike no one thinks anything of it. It's the city and everyone travels by bike.

In the suburbs, if you drive to a bar on your bike, everyone assumes that not even your recent DUI and suspended license will keep you from drinking with your friends at the bar.

My music is where I'd like you to touch...

As my friend Dave points out over on his little patch of the internet, defining cool is as fool-hearty as shoving cats in a sac, and just as likely to end in tears. And so from this, comes the always-controversial musical sub-argument of what defines cool music?

This topic has been rattling around inside my head for weeks now and I’ve been trying to find the best way to vocalize it (or editorialize it as the case may be). Until - that is - I was on a site called stillepost – which, for haters and hipsters, is Mecca.

I won’t get into why I was reading posts on this page, except to say that the baseless, vitriol being thrown around was breathtaking – even for someone as cynical and curmudgeonly as myself.


I sat atop my high horse, shaking my head at these mustachioed trend-setters, while they pulled apart bands and music piece by piece. Each one trying to out-hate the last comment posted – and yet in the most ambivalent of styles. And just as I was about to cast judgment I realized that there was a time not to long ago that I would have been one of them.

I would easily be described as a musical snob. I’m picky about my music and I believe there needs to be a level of credibility to it before I’ll jump on board. In fact it was this very idea that kicked this whole blog off.

But in the past four or five years I’ve realized that you reach an age where no one cares how cool you think you are anymore. I could exhaust myself daily trying to keep up with thousands and thousands of new bands and artists, but for what? Besides, that’s what SniffyVon is for. It's always best to leave things like this to the professionals.

That’s not to say I’ve stopped listening for new stuff, I just don’t have that urgency anymore. I don’t have the one-upmanship driving me. I’ve come to terms with the fact that no one’s impressed with how many indie bands I know about…not even me.

I also realized that I was closing myself off from too much good music because I had a preconception of what my music was.

I heard stuff like Fela Kuti and Sly Dunbar, neither of which are vegans from New York city with tight pants and realized they were great, and they didn’t fall into the tiny compartment I had deemed acceptable.

And I’m no longer ashamed to admit that I like corny, cliché stuff like Wings and ELO and Fleetwood Mac. I’m not saying everyone should run into the streets with Stryper and Journey albums held approvingly above their heads (I would even go so far as to advise against it), but if you dig a Billy Joel song than damn it – you enjoy your Piano Man.

Hell, my wife and her friends love the John Bon Jovi without a trace of irony and I admire the shit out of her for it. More of us should love music so unabashedly.